![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
The Halloween Survival Checklist
From ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wicked_wish:
Run Like Hell, Ask Questions Later:
1. if it shambles
2. if it shuffles
3. if it hisses, howls, wails or groans
4. if it's got a gas-powered lawn pruning device
5. if it has (a). one too many or (b). one too few: eyes, lips, heads, hands, or nostrils.
6. if Rob Zombie did the soundtrack.
7. if you know "fuck-all" about vampires.
8. if it was hideously disfigured by one of your ancestors.
9. if it bears an uncanny resemblence to that hitchhiker you ran over, then left to bleed to death on the side of the road rather than face a DUI.
10. if it's wearing any sort of leather you don't immediately recognize as having come from a cow.
11. if Billy Zane is bald, wearing black, and wanting a word with you.
12. if it's calling from inside the house.
13. if you're the only black guy.
14. if it came from Mars.
15. if it came from the future.
16. if it came with a hockey mask.
17. if it escaped from a laboratory.
18. if it escaped from a museum exhibit.
19. if Stephen King makes a cameo appearance.
20. if it could be described as having a carapace.
21. if you just shot it full of holes, and it's smiling.
22. if Jamie Lee Curtis starts screaming.
23. if one eye is still glowing.
24. if she's wearing a cowboy hat and ass-less chaps.
25. if you need an old priest, and a young priest.
Avoid Like the Plague
1. Corn. It's the crop of the damned.
2. Shopping malls. If the credit card interest doesn't get you, the zombies will.
3. Ghost ships. Ought to go without saying -- but for some reason, doesn't.
4. Any small New England town founded by pirates.
5. Nursing homes in southeast Texas.
6. Oh heck. Let's just say "America in general."
7. Raccoon City. For no reason. You know.
Assorted Tips and Bits of Advice:
1. when in doubt, reload.
2. pick slow companions. remember, you never have to run faster than a flesh-eating zombie--just faster than the person you're with.
3. keep your bigger head in charge: it doesn't matter how hot she is if she's only going to eat your brains later.
4. cheerleaders are disposable.
5. never trust a grown man in clown makeup.
6. carry extra batteries.
7. ignore any twins who ask you to "come and play with them."
8. no amount of lost treasure is worth a mummy's curse. no, seriously.
9. let sleeping wolfmen lie.
10. generally speaking, mad scientists are bad news.
wicked_wish:Run Like Hell, Ask Questions Later:
1. if it shambles
2. if it shuffles
3. if it hisses, howls, wails or groans
4. if it's got a gas-powered lawn pruning device
5. if it has (a). one too many or (b). one too few: eyes, lips, heads, hands, or nostrils.
6. if Rob Zombie did the soundtrack.
7. if you know "fuck-all" about vampires.
8. if it was hideously disfigured by one of your ancestors.
9. if it bears an uncanny resemblence to that hitchhiker you ran over, then left to bleed to death on the side of the road rather than face a DUI.
10. if it's wearing any sort of leather you don't immediately recognize as having come from a cow.
11. if Billy Zane is bald, wearing black, and wanting a word with you.
12. if it's calling from inside the house.
13. if you're the only black guy.
14. if it came from Mars.
15. if it came from the future.
16. if it came with a hockey mask.
17. if it escaped from a laboratory.
18. if it escaped from a museum exhibit.
19. if Stephen King makes a cameo appearance.
20. if it could be described as having a carapace.
21. if you just shot it full of holes, and it's smiling.
22. if Jamie Lee Curtis starts screaming.
23. if one eye is still glowing.
24. if she's wearing a cowboy hat and ass-less chaps.
25. if you need an old priest, and a young priest.
Avoid Like the Plague
1. Corn. It's the crop of the damned.
2. Shopping malls. If the credit card interest doesn't get you, the zombies will.
3. Ghost ships. Ought to go without saying -- but for some reason, doesn't.
4. Any small New England town founded by pirates.
5. Nursing homes in southeast Texas.
6. Oh heck. Let's just say "America in general."
7. Raccoon City. For no reason. You know.
Assorted Tips and Bits of Advice:
1. when in doubt, reload.
2. pick slow companions. remember, you never have to run faster than a flesh-eating zombie--just faster than the person you're with.
3. keep your bigger head in charge: it doesn't matter how hot she is if she's only going to eat your brains later.
4. cheerleaders are disposable.
5. never trust a grown man in clown makeup.
6. carry extra batteries.
7. ignore any twins who ask you to "come and play with them."
8. no amount of lost treasure is worth a mummy's curse. no, seriously.
9. let sleeping wolfmen lie.
10. generally speaking, mad scientists are bad news.