Life genuinely sucks, and I have a quandary

[thewayne]

I blitzed back to Phoenix Tuesday to get my brother, 66, to the hospital. Turned out I couldn't move him and it required paramedics and an ambulance.

He's now sedated and on a ventilator in intensive care, in critical condition. He has improved a bit since admission, but still critical. At least they haven't called me in the middle of the night for permission to do stuff. He's got like ten different meds being pumped into him. If I'd been delayed a day or two he wouldn't be in the hospital, he probably wouldn't be at all.

Fortunately the library closes from the 24th through the first Monday in January, so I'm not losing much work. But I'm not going to leave town until he's at least out of ICU and breathing on his own. If he lives and gets out of the hospital, he'll have to go into a critical care facility to recover from some wounds (not assault-type wounds), and he'll probably will have to go into assisted living after that.

When I was here in November, he did a holographic will (hand-written) in which he explicitly gave me everything, which isn't much. And after this hospital stay, it may be pretty much nothing. He absolutely hates our sister and the will is phrased to specifically exclude anyone but me, i.e. her and her kids. And the hatred is returned: she hates him, and I know the kids don't like him either.

I'm 95% comfortable with not telling my sister and her kids that he's in such shape. I don't think they'd come to see him. But there's that tiny, niggling bit that if he were to die and I didn't tell them, there'd be problems. At the same time, I never hear from them. And if he does recover and finds out I did tell them, there's also the chance of blowback. Quite the Catch-22.

Thus the quandary.

Anyway, I need to get dressed and off to the hospital.

Pity I couldn't have transported him, he would have been a mile away. Instead, it's half an hour with good traffic.

Comments

[bibliofile]

<3 <3 <3 <3

[gingeriana]

I'm so sorry, that's quite a load for you :(

And it is indeed Catch-22. If you tell her know, and then the will be read in some time, the hate will be retargeted on you, no? Cause like you've asked her to be kind (presumably if she visits or does anything nice) and she gets nothing in return. Just leave it be.
Sorry for the unasked for advice, just my projections really.

[richardf8]

She doesn't have a need to know, and telling her now creates a possible stressor for your brother and doesn't advance his recovery.

[kaishin108]

Oh dear, I am so sorry this is going on. He sounds pretty bad off, sigh.
I'm being a bit too helpful here but maybe just to ease your conscience you can text her and tell her you just felt she should know, as a sibling, what is going on.

I feel for you!
Hugs, Helen

[silveradept]

Oof, what a dilemma. This might be one of those situations where you sit on your hands until it's obvious which way things are going to go, and then go from there.

I hope it's the way of recovery, myself.

[armiphlage]

*hugs hugs hugs*

[disneydream06]

I am sorry to hear about your brother's health. :(

From what you describe, I don't think you should feel bad about not telling your sister and her family.
There is obviously no love lost there. :(
I know how that goes. I haven't heard from anyone in my family since April, and that was because my SIL wanted something from the house.
I really need to get a will made out, and being the petty person that I am, I don't want my family getting anything out of this house.

My best wishes for your brother.
HUGS, Jon

[moonhare]

*gentle hugs* Carry on, my friend.

[darkoshi]

I'm sorry. That's a difficult situation. From what you wrote, I don't think you should feel guilt for not telling, as you'd be abiding by what you know of your brother's wishes. If you do feel the need to tell her, perhaps say that you want to keep her informed, but you don't want or expect her to visit as it would probably upset him.

[moxie_man]

So sorry for what you're going through. I will not provide advice as it's not my place to do so, especially when you didn't state in your post you were seeking such.

[warriorsavant]

Sorry for the whole situation. I rather agree with Silveradept: defer action until you know which way it is going. Other than that, I think it is more a question of your relationship with your sister. Their relationship is what it is. How will either action effect yours with her? One other annoying point, did he SPECIFICALLY leave her out of the will? From what little I know, if he simply doesn't mention her, then she could later argue he was demented (or something) and forgot. If you anticipate a battle (and remember that even if no love is lost, the prospect of money changes everything, even retroactively), might want to talk to a lawyer.

[ndrosen]

My sentiments as well.

[white_aster]

So sorry to hear about this, and best of luck for you and him.

I'd sleep on this once or twice, re: telling your sister. You could have a better idea of his prognosis in a day or two and it would become clearer what situation you're dealing with.

FWIW, there's no right or wrong way to do things like this. There might be consequences, as you note, either way. So sometimes it's a matter of judging which set is more likely to come up and whether you're ok with dealing with it if it does.