A couple of bad jokes

A teen boy is going around a posh neighborhood, trying to earn some cash. Goes up to one house and rings the bell. The man of the house answers. Kid says "Mister, I'm trying to earn some money this summer, I'll do pretty much anything for $50." The man thinks for a minute then says "How about you paint the porch?" Kid immediately says "Sure!" The man goes out to the garage and gets the paint, brushes, dropcloth, ladder, etc. Goes back in the house and tells his wife. His wife is a little upset with her husband, says "Did you tell him the porch wraps around to the back?" Husband replies, "Kid didn't ask. It'll be a life lesson for him."

A couple of hours later, doorbell rings. The kid is there. "Done. Got some paint left over, and I even gave it two coats." The man is dumbstruck. How could the teen have done it so quickly?!

"And by the way, it wasn't a porch, it was a BMW."

* * * * *
A man is sitting in the bar after work at the end of a long week, nursing a martini. An amazing looking woman sways across the bar towards him, clearly a professional. Dressed to the nines, a definite eleven. She never loses eye contact. She sits on the stool next to him, slowly crosses her legs for maximum effect, and says "For two hundred dollars, I'll do anything you want. But you have to say it in three words."

He ponders for a moment, then reaches into his wallet and pulls out two crisp new one hundred dollar bills, and says "Paint. My. House."