Random thoughts on losing your parents

[thewayne]

Under a cut so you can skip it if you wish.



My wife's dad passed 11 days after we got married, her mom four years later. Both from cancer. My mom 14 months ago at 90, my dad the day before Halloween, so right about a month ago. Dad died of pancreatic cancer at 89, not able to understand that his body couldn't handle the treatment.

We were talking a couple of nights ago, she said that when her mom passed - she was in Maine living with one of Russet's sisters, Russet felt like she lost her center, that Oberlin (OH) was no longer her center, even though her mom had moved from there a couple of years after her dad died as the house was far too big and required too much upkeep and she'd be exploited for it. I knew the same thing was going to happen for Phoenix for me. The family house has to be sold to provide me and my two sibs with an inheritance, none of us can afford to buy out the others to keep it in the family, and my sister and her kids are likely to be moving to Chicago, my brother to northeastern AZ to set up a business and get away from all the Californians moving to Phoenix. Right now I'm wearing my dad's repaired/refurbished Seiko on my left wrist, and my Apple Watch on my right as a comfort. We'll be hanging my mom's Grandmother clock when I can figure out how we can do it securely. My best friend in Phoenix cleaned/lubed it a few months ago and got it running again after it sat on the wall, not working, for far too many years. No one kept it wound!

My wife calls herself an orphan. I suppose at a technical level, a person who has lost their parents, it's true. But I see orphan status as losing them in childhood and not having any siblings, which is clearly not the status of her or I!

This week has been rough. Just feeling kinda down in the dumps a bit, not major depression just a bit stronger than my frequent mild depression. Not remotely the "I can't get out of bed" depression. I make it in to work and function like an allegedly responsible adult, though I'm still mono-tasking to get things done correctly.

The worst thing is my dad's birthday is coming up: December 25th. That's not going to be a lot of fun. And my parents were married on the 4th of July. Maybe I should move to a low-key Islamic or Buddhist country that doesn't celebrate either of those holidays, the problem would be finding a good telescope job for Russet.

Festivus for the restofus.

Anyway, enough of a rant, I should finish up my morning and do something else. Perhaps slaughter some orcs or Angmarim.

Comments

[graydon]

Losing parents generally takes a count of years to get done grieving, even well into adulthood.

Hope things go better than they have been.

[thewayne]

I know I haven't even begun the grieving process, but yes, I expect it'll be years.  And thank you.  I expect it will improve, I also expect pretty miserable holidays this year.

[silveradept]

It is a different world when you don't have your parents in it. Here is hoping that you have the opportunity to both grieve and to remember fond and wonderful things about your parents.

[thewayne]

I have items all around: my dad's wood bowls, my mom's mixer. Right now I'm wearing my dad's watch. He had a Seiko Kinetic that he'd just had the capacitor replaced so it was working again. I had the crystal replaced as it was very badly scratched up. I'll be hanging my mom's grandmother clock up soon, that will be nice to hear it ticking. We'll keep the chimes turned off, they're a bit loud. :-) In a large house, that would be one thing where the bedrooms might be well away from the main hall, but not in a small house.

[disneydream06]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I am sorry that things are so heavy for you at this time. :(

Holidays can really be hard.
My Mom died on New Years day. It will be 10 years this year. :(
And now dad is in a nursing home and declining quite a bit. :(
Hugs, Jon

[thewayne]

Things tied directly to holidays are tough. Dad being born on Christmas, Dave's wife dying on Christmas, sucky day all around.

Your mom passing on New Year's Day, that's a tough one, too. Sorry to hear about your dad's decline, Jon. How are you and your dad doing Covid-wise?

[disneydream06]

Dad got the Covid medication and had very little symptoms as far as I am aware.
I just still have an annoying cough. Otherwise I am doing okay.

[kaishin108]

A few friends of mine said to me when my second parent (Dad) died, that I was an orphan but like you, I never quite felt like that.

My mom was 79 and found out she had pancreatic cancer and died 6 months later. The treatment did a job on her and I was mad at the doctors.

Maybe because my mom's death was so quick after she was diagnosed, and I was a main caregiver, I just fell apart when she died. I went into a deep depression. She was my best friend and my cheerleader, I was a mess.

A birthday on Christmas, I am so sorry. That is the hardest part I think, the holidays and their birthdays and yours are two in one :( :(

Please, please go easy on yourself. Feel the grief, don't stuff it. Post, post and post if you need to.

Hugs, helen

[thewayne]

Thank you, Helen. You're sweet. *hugs*

When dad was diagnosed with his first cancer six or seven years ago, we made sure that he understood he had the option of no treatment. He was a fighter though. My wife and I, we'll look at the odds. If we were hit with something like pancreatic? I think odds are we'd go without treatment, hit our bucket list hard and fast, and go on hospice ASAP. It's one of the deadliest and fastest cancers and that's all there is to it, the direct treatment is pretty horrible, even for young and robust people.

[kaishin108]

Right! I hear there is a new treatment coming out for p. cancer but still. My mom was a fighter too but personally I think the Oncologist egged her on a bit. But maybe he felt that was his job.

Yup, a pretty horrible way to go. I would not get the treatment either.

hugs, helen

[bibliofile]

Oh geez, even moving to a non-Christian country wouldn't prevent your mind & body from remembering the significance of Dec. 25th & your dad. Alas. Remember to be gentle with yourself next month, whatever that means for you.

Yeah, it's oddly jarring to have a physical/geographical "home" and then it's gone. Maybe someday you can go back and see what the new owners have done? My cousin and I did that with our grandparents' house, which was still owned by the folks who bought it from our dads. They hadn't changed the carpet in the living room, or redone the kitchen, so that was kinda neat.

[thewayne]

Oh, absolutely guaranteed the carpeting is going! Some of that dates back to my childhood! We'll probably end up replacing it before it goes on the market, which is a shame because the buyer will probably replace it with something more to their taste.

Guaranteed I will never forget the dates, but at least in a non-Christian country I won't have as much in the way of festivities surrounding me.

[ndrosen]

My father died in 2014; my mother died a little more than a year later, on, it seems, the very day that Donald Trump descended the escalator to announce that he was running for President. At least my parents were spared the spectacle of DJT disserving his country as President.

[thewayne]

Sadly, my parents were present and both voted for him though I tried to persuade them away from it. Fortunately they won't get to vote for his return.

In a ridiculous twist of logic, my mom voted for him because Hillary didn't leave Bill because of his infidelities. So she voted for an admitted repeat philanderer directly? Made no sense to me.

I worked with a bunch of guys at a military base in Trump's first year. Some of them wouldn't vote for Hillary because she was allegedly careless with military secrets. I wonder what they think of Trump now in comparison.

[felisdemens]

I'm sorry things are tough right now.

[thewayne]

Thanks. It's an up and down thing, which is exactly what I knew it was going to be.